High School Confidential #6

Everyone knows that high school teachers are expected to be positive role models for students; this duty comes with the badge.  While most educators work hard to inspire students, some teachers suffer from arrested development. One of my college roommates chronically masturbated for four years in a row. Now he is a teacher.

Student: “Can I talk to you?”
Teacher: “Sure, sit down. What is it?”
Student: “Well … my girlfriend left me for the head cheerleader, I got fired from my job at 7-11 for stealing happy hours, and I’m going to fail AP English Literature because I’m a plagiarist.  I’m such a loser.”
Teacher: “Those are some tough breaks. Things that happen in life make you a stronger person, and I believe you are one of those more mature people. Always remember you can talk to me about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.”
Student: “You do care about me, don’t you?”

When prominent people hit a bad luck streak and fall from grace, it can be outrageously enjoyable because this is a reminder that we are all flawed. Marital shenanigans are nothing new; one week it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger called out for a love child with an ugly as fuck maid, the next week Anthony Weiner is exposed as a champion creep for e-mailing photos of his johnson to freaked out young women, while his wife announces her pregnancy.

These days one must be extremely careful about generating e-mails – especially on company time.  At a school like St. Mary’s all roads for e-mail traffic lead to the school Educational Technologist (ET).   Subsequently, it’s sensible to either avoid detrimental communiqués or stay on the good side of the ET for those moments when this faculty member is ready to make some embarrassing disclosures that may result in another fall from grace.  Kevin Walsh, the school ET, is an unhappy queen who fancies being a bitch and seventh-eighths.  One can never be too careful.

The other day I caught the old lemon in his proper mood and he revealed an interesting e-mail exchange between Pamela Stephenson and Evan Bradshaw.  Pamela is a woman more reliable than attractive; her demands on the married Evan are constant.  Both middle-aged English teachers worked together for two years at St. Mary’s, before Pamela moved to Hawaii.

During her brief time at the Catholic high school, Pamela remained hopeful that she could lure Evan into an oil slick of lust. This is largely because her husband looks like a plump, gay Bart Simpson. Yet her plans were foolhardy.  Pamela loves pleated khakis, pink wine, and Meg Ryan movies. By contrast, Evan lights up a fat Mexican blunt each day before he drives off the parking lot in his used BMW convertible and goes home to surf free porn on the Internet.  His tastes are not entirely vanilla; he overheats for black dwarfs smashing white cougars (“a little goes a long way”).

No matter how Pamela tried to offer Evan her whispering eye, he deflected the gift; not because of moral considerations, but because he worried that it smelled like cabbage.

From: Stephenson, Pamela
Sent: Thursday, January 20, 2011 11:11 AM
To: Bradshaw, Evan
Subject: RE:

E,

my baby!  miss you.  thanks for not giving up on me.

i’ve been putting in some hard-core hours.  the students are waiting, but i i didn’t want to leave without saying I WANT TO FUCK YOU!!!

love,
me

From: Stephenson, Pamela
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2011 10:00 AM
To: Bradshaw, Evan
Subject: RE:

E,

i was out by early yesterday afternoon .  my son has the flu.

it’s hard to believe that there’s a chance you might be living on my little island next year.  you don’t know how much that prospect excites me!!!

right now i’ve got the annual drama festival burning, so it’s hard to do much else.  immediately afterwards, my spring show preparations (alice in wonderland) will begin.  it’s not a full-blown musical, but there are a few songs in it.  it’s also a huge cast.

i have to travel from the annual drama festival directly to texas.  i’ll be away for 2 solid weeks!  crazy, huh?  that’s a lot of friggin lesson plans!!!!!!

i’m just taking things one day at a time.  hopefully i’ll survive.

please bear with me.  i assure you that things will be much easier once you’re in hawaii!!!  (we just had one teaher leave on medical retirement.  she’ll be replaced by a long-term sub until next year.  also, one of our other english teahers plans to retire. so chances are good…)  how does your wife feel about all of this?

i’d love to show you the inner recesses of the drama dept.  hope i get the chance!

p

From: Bradshaw, Evan
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2011 4:12 PM
To: Stephenson, Pamela
Subject: RE:

E,

Happy weekend!!

From: Stephenson, Pamela
Sent: Monday, April 18, 2011 1:16 AM
To: Bradshaw, Evan
Subject: Tear

dear e,

i know i deserve nothing, but after i poured my heart out to you yesterday, i was counting on the comapssionate side of your persona to comfort me and tell me that everything would be all right…  (can i call you daddy?)

i think we should talk via telephone.  give me your digits.  i want to call you.

xoxox

p

my number is 926-4405 (home)

please find it in your heart to embrace me.  i really need you now.

From: Bradshaw, Evan
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 3:07 PM
To: Stephenson, Pamela
Subject: RE: Tear

P,

OK, where the hell are you?  Let’s arrange a time to talk.  Hope you aren’t angry at me——you just seem to disappear at the strangest times.  Keep afloat!  You have only a few weeks before you can let it all go.  Talk to me..E

From: Stephenson, Pamela
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 10:01 AM
To: Bradshaw, Evan
Subject: RE: Tear

daddy e,

i’m here, and i would love to talk!!!  it will need to be late afternoon for you – early morning for me.  calling card is on me, baby!  what are your digits?

how about friday afternoon?  is there a direct line to your classroom?  send it on!  if that’s not good for you, let me know when, and i’ll do my best.

i’m floating, but just barely.  the end cannot come soon enough (the end of school, i mean).  okay…  that was morbid…  i need a stiff drink!  or something stiff!!

love you,

p

btw, i’m NEVER angry with you.  if you were my spouse, then maybe.  but since you’re my tease, then you’re in the clear!

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012


High School Confidential #5

Bill Little is not, as originally supposed, an idiot.  But he is a first-class douche bag.

The St. Mary’s Spanish teacher is el hombre pelotudo. I dislike Little for many reasons, especially his unbelievable, inexcusable and indescribable arrogance. This colleague is shoddy because his professional conviction is thin and he can hardly conceal his contempt for students, some of whom are quite spirited – like Jesús Rivera.

“¿Qué pasa homes?” Jesús asked.  “You towel tango for yo bitch?”
“Hola, vato loco,” Little said.  “You may be Mexican but you speak gooder English than me and I was born in America. ¿Qué coño te pasa?”

Despite his condescension, I take comfort that Little lives in constant intimacy with humiliation and despair. Everyone knows that he is burdened by the pointlessness of his existence. Little has rolled life’s dice and got a three.

I try hard to avoid this ass clown. Yet if contact is inescapable, I like to heap exquisitely refined derision on him.

Little has such a relaxed attitude to the truth that most everything he says stinks of conman.  For as long as I can remember, the line between fantasy and reality has been hopelessly blurred for him. Yet pathological liars carry on lying; it’s what they do. Their freak show never leaves town. Naturally Little applauds his negligible morals like a sanctimonious, self-congratulating cunt.

Based on undisguised apathy among faculty at St. Mary’s, Little is head of the School Improvement Committee (SIC) by default. I feel no more than the usual pang of ennui and exasperation whenever I’m around Little, who has an impressive ability to say precisely nothing. His chronic bad breath has the mingled smell of unwashed panties, stale catpiss and the rotting armpits of septuagenarians.  This may also explain why his conversation is as interesting as the body’s passage of dissolution.

“For the love of God,” Little whined like a petulant cheerleader during a recent faculty meeting, “does anyone have any ideas to improve this school?”

No teacher looked up from the cell phone or iPad at hand to offer Little any recognition. Many teachers are no different than their students.  Some married male teachers used cell phones to arrange trysts with their catamites or on-the-side girlfriends, others cruised for porn on the latest Apple gadgets.  Female faculty members used cell phones to call other sympathetic women about the immaturity of men.

“C’mon, let’s hear some opinions,” Little implored the listless crowd.

At first glance Little might appear like a standard Rotary Club member. However, the longer you look at him the more unsettling he becomes. At 5’10”, his eyes are dead ends floating at the bottom of a well.  Little’s face is pinched, and his taut skin suggests a world of laden ashtrays and a dash of Jack Daniels for breakfast. His sand dune khaki Dockers often have telltale cum stains down the legs, probably from extravagant wanking during his prep period. Little’s character has a glaring hint of rancidity, so it would not surprise me if he rolled wantonly on a carpet of discarded pink wigs and Twinkie wrappers at a fistfuck party. He’s a shitty nasty little man, with a mind that is badly arranged. Little may be married with children, but so was Oscar Wilde.

Another minute passed and Little tried one more approach to liven up the meeting.

“I have a confession to make,” he said.  “Once I worked as a Ladyboy at the Suzie Wong bar in Bangkok.”

No amount of gratuitous shock value affected the indifferent faculty.  Little was screwed, which is what he deserved.  He’s fucked us all up at least three times each. The only people who appreciate him also love train wrecks and other catastrophes.

The first two times Little instigated problems for me, I ignored him because his passive-aggressive tactics are as pathetic as a career jock sniffer.  The third time was not a charm. One day the shit-stained schumacher took something I said completely out of context and made me look like a grimy criminal. I had to put out a lot of fires as a result of Little’s deplorable fixation with being an attention whore. He is queen for a day, every day. We never spoke afterwards because I do not forget, and I seldom forgive.

After a highway pile-up of life-changing experiences, we can either become better or bitter persons as a result.  Based on what I’ve endured in recent years, I’m definitely bitter and don’t suffer fools like Little. My contempt for this detestable man reached its peak when he appeared at my son’s funeral to make himself look good at the expense of my tragedy. This made Little the lowest of the low.

Before I delivered the eulogy, I spotted the hundred-proof creep in the crowd and stopped long enough for the kickout.  Little sat confidently among students as a cover, the very people he disdains the most.

“Get the fuck out of here,” I said resolutely.
“Yes, of course,” Little said, and slinked off like a priest caught in a boy scout’s tent.

If Little had not obliged me on the spot, I would have capped him Jack Bauer-style; no regrets.  What did I have to lose at that point?

Beginning next year, this loser will teach ESL at Chino, the scum of the state prison system. I think Little is more likely to commit sodomy with a pig than a man, yet he may really be in hog heaven this time.  Now my life will be immeasurably enhanced since I will no longer have to see this revolting cocksucker. His name has been reduced to one of those essentially useless bits of information with which the modern mind is cluttered. I feel for him nothing but the natural loathing reserved for inveterate human trash.

I can’t wait for the son of a bitch to meet the worms.

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012


On the Move – Part Three

For Liam Sheridan the S.S. Baltic moved off at last, and the two banks, lined with English military barracks, the English naval depot, and the English powder magazine on Rocky Island, slipped past like two wide ribbons being unwound as the ship passed by St. Colman’s Gothic Cathedral along the seaport, navigated past the two English forts on Roche’s Point and entered the St. George Channel for the voyage to America.  There was a sharp bracing air; the sea was crisp and clear; the sun diffused an abundance of light; and everything was fresh and lively.  Many of the first-class passengers read the latest penny edition of the Cork Examiner, the daily newspaper for the Cork Harbor.

Soon the S.S. Baltic was launched upon the deep; for a week it seemed lost in its unshored harborless immensities.  Eight days later, on a Friday, far down in the lower bay of New York City, Liam Sheridan crowded to the rail of the S.S. Baltic to glimpse his first sight of America in the clean summer air.  The day was June 24, 1906.  Ships at anchor choked the harbor.  Amid the trunks and suitcases, Liam Sheridan and Delia Flynn stood pressed to each other, enraptured by the sight of the Statue of Liberty.  Their bodies leaned forward, and their hands gripped the railing of the ship as they waited to land.

In the early 1900s there could be as many as 15,000 immigrants arriving in one day, and the ships had to drop anchor and wait.  Yet there, on the horizon, stood Manhattan. Closer, it grew into a cluster of pinnacles known as skyscrapers.  And then the midtown skyscrapers topped the ones first seen.  To most Europeans, New York was unlike any other city in the world.

Until 1892, European immigrants were cleared for entry at Castle Garden, once a fort, then a theater and a public amusement place down at the Battery.  However, the volume of immigrants grew so great, and so many of them managed to disappear into Manhattan before being “processed,” that a larger and more isolated sorting point was necessary. So, from 1892 on, once immigrants were tagged with numbers they were shipped aboard a ferry or a barge to Ellis Island.

After being inspected and receiving permission to leave the island, Delia Flynn made travel arrangements to St. Louis.  Like so many immigrants, they were given tags to pin to their hats or coats.  The tags showed the railroad conductors what lines the immigrants were traveling and what connections to make to reach their destinations.  For Liam Sheridan, this was the time to relinquish all his sovereigns – the shillings, sixpences, half crowns and crowns – for American currency: pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, half-dollars and dollars.

Waiting in St. Louis was Brendan Sheridan and his wife of two years, the 43-year-old Kate.  Brendan was already 54-years-old, and had not seen his son in more than six years.

Like thousands of Irish in St. Louis, Brendan Sheridan and his sisters, Bridget Harrington and Annie O’Malley, originally lived near Kerry Patch, commonly known as “the Irish ghetto.”  Located in Old North St. Louis, Kerry Patch deteriorated into slums immediately after the Civil War.  According to convention, the “shanty” Irish of Kerry Patch specialized in drinking, fighting, politics and religion.  Some of the other nicknames for specific neighborhoods within Kerry Patch included Clabber Alley, Thunder Alley and Wild Cat chute.

Brendan Sheridan benefited greatly from pre-existing kinship networks in the “urban village” of Kerry Patch.  He began his American experience with comforts and advantages which his three sisters had lacked originally.  Brendan Sheridan could also rely on the O’Malley brothers to help him find steady work.  John O’Malley, an acquaintance in Balla, was now family through marriage to Annie Sheridan.

Before Brendan Sheridan’s marriage to Kate Callahan, he already lived near the western edge of Kerry Patch.  Shortly after their marriage, Brendan and Kate Sheridan purchased property two blocks west of Grand Avenue at 2519 North Spring Avenue, in the St. Teresa of Avila parish.  The Sheridan house was a detached, two-story structure standing on its own lot in the company of other freestanding houses on the west side of the street.  The house, built in 1887, was purchased in late 1904.

At the turn of the 20th century, North Spring Avenue was regarded as a sedate and respectable neighborhood, solidly middle class and not at all as shabby as what is left of it today.  In 1906, it was a typical St. Louis street, and the red bricks absorbed the sun.  Over the southeastern horizon of the row houses and flats opposite the house at 2519 North Spring Avenue was the steeple of St. Teresa’s Church.

The new Sheridan house was Late Victorian (1880-1900), and did not depend for its effect on fancy landscaping and a large lot.  Instead, the house favored a two-story shape on a small lot set back from the street; it had a token front yard, and a modest backyard.  The house had a predominance of red brick for the body of the building, with an entablature resting above the white cornice, supported by stone brackets.  The single-family dwelling featured a flat roof, with stone exterior windowsills of limestone, some contemporary plumbing, and two back porches.  The foundation was native stone or Carthage stone from Carthage, Missouri.

From the sidewalk, two limestone steps led directly across a small walkway to four more limestone steps to the protruding front entrance.  Once inside the main door, there was a small vestibule, with another door into the house, common in cold weather towns like St. Louis.  A staircase, just beyond the front door, ran along the north wall for access to the bedrooms on the second floor.  At the top of the stairs there was a window for cross ventilation, from east-to-west.  The layout of the house, on both floors, followed a “side-hall plan.”  A typical floor plan had double-parlors with the support spaces behind this.

However, the house had no electricity; gas lamps provided illumination.

To Brendan Sheridan, his American home must have felt like an extravagant domestic setting, in its spaciousness and the specialized uses of its several rooms.  The cabins of Western Ireland were, by comparison, small, cramped quarters.  The freestanding house itself was a rarity in Dublin and other European cities.  Europeans at the beginning of the 20th century were dwellers of flats and row houses.  And for the occupancy of two-to-four people, the Sheridan house was very big – enormous, in fact, by Irish standards.  Yet there at 2519 North Spring Avenue, Brendan Sheridan dined with his wife, Kate, surrounded by simple furniture that still lent him dignity and probably expressed the values he held dear.  In these rooms he relaxed and slept and eventually enjoyed the intimacy of his immediate family.

In St. Louis, the big news toward the end of June, 1906 was how Frank Shaw rescued Mathilda Strassberger, when their small boat capsized in fifteen-feet of water on Creve Coeur Lake.  In Illinois, the mayor of Springfield led a posse that pursued a bandit for 18 miles, after the gunman fatally wounded the police chief in a shoot-out.

The approach of the train from New York City was made more and more evident by a bustle of preparation in Union Station, the rush of porters, the appearance of attendants, and the arrival of people meeting the train.  Through the steamy vapor could be seen workmen crossing the network of rails.  The whistle of an engine and the rumble of something heavy could be heard in the distance.

At last the passenger coaches jolted to a standstill.  An attendant jumped out, blowing his whistle as he did so, and then one by one the impatient passengers began to get down.

After so many years, Liam finally saw his father and stepmother.  Brendan Sheridan looked at his 10-year-old son, as he used to look at him years before.  And he grasped him by both arms, and would not let him go.

– I am so overjoyed to see you.

Liam brushed away the tears that his utmost resolution had not been able to keep back.

– Would you like to go home?
– I would.  What sort of place is it?
– Oh, a fine place.

Liam approached his new stepmother bashfully, yet Kate’s smile of quiet affection quickly reassured him.  A dull hum of movement came from the waiting room of the station, as from a beehive.  Kate gave Liam her hand and they set off side by side across the length of Union Station and walked up the great flight of stairs to Market Street.

The Sheridan family, reunited after six years, left Union Station with numerous suitcases.

Everyone stood together on Market Street, opposite Union Station, and waited patiently for a westbound electric streetcar.  Delia Flynn, with all her luggage, looked like a female Robinson Crusoe.  After a transfer at Grand Avenue, just north of Olive Street, the group boarded a northbound streetcar.  They traveled as far as Cass Avenue, and then walked a few blocks to the Sheridan house on North Spring Avenue.

Liam entered the two-story house, pausing in the hallway, which was ablaze with a gaslight, only long enough to see his face for an instant in the mirror.  Later that first night in St. Louis, Liam dozed lightly in his chair, no longer aware of what his father was saying. There was a discrete murmur of voices, and shoes could be heard squeaking across the wooden floor.  Liam began to dream.  It was towards 10 p.m., the time Brendan Sheridan generally said goodnight.  He pulled out a wisp of straw and gently tickled his son’s ear.  Brendan burst out laughing when he saw the young boy sit up straight.

– Ah, Liam, a bouchal dhas (my handsome boy), you are beaten by the sleep at last. Leave the chair and go to bed.

Liam looked at the clock.  He had not felt the time passing.  At that moment, the stillness of the humid St. Louis night overwhelmed the household.  It was a hot June night.  On Sunday, the temperature had all ready reached 88 degrees by 7 a.m.  Luckily, the forecast called for showers and cooler temperatures by Monday night.  Cooler weather was predicted over the next 24 hours.  Holding onto the banister, Liam pulled himself up the stairs and then into his room.  He looked at nothing, but fell face down on his own bed.  For the first time in six years, he was home with his father.

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012


On the Move – Part Two

Now the day soon came for going to St. Louis.  It was such an early day that it came soon, even to Liam, who was probably in a fever of expectation for a 10-year-old boy, and half afraid some calamity might impede with the trip.  He had not seen his father since he was four-years-old.

A light breeze passed Liam’s forehead, fanning softly his brown hair and stirring silver points of anxiety in his blue eyes.  Two shafts of subtle daylight fell across the cottage floor, and at the meeting of their rays, a cloud of turf smoke floated, turning in the morning air.

Aunt Mary carried a dish of food and a large teapot over to the table, set them down heavily and sighed with relief.  For a moment the entering darkened the doorway form of Uncle Padrig, who carried a large milk jug.  Crouching by a patient cow at daybreak, Uncle Padrig with his wrinkled fingers quick at the squirting dugs, filled a special jug’s worth of milk for the young Sheridan.  Liam watched Aunt Mary pour the fresh milk into a cup.

– The food is ready.  Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts.
In ainm an Athar, agus an Mhic, agus an spioraid Naoimh.
[In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy spirit.]

– In Amerikay you will speak no more Irish, not even for the blessing and consecration.  But it’s a beautiful language by them that knows.

After breakfast, Liam went in a carrier’s cart to the train station in Balla.  Time to say goodbye.  Goodbye Aunt Mary and all the cousins.  Goodbye to the boys and girls at the crossroads in the evening time.  Goodbye to a drink of milk and a chat with the old people across the half door, or on a stool beside the hearth.  Goodbye to Balla, the quiet  village where a man and a goose have the street all to themselves.  Goodbye Father John McDermott, forgive us our sins.  Goodbye old Shamrock.  Goodbye, everybody …. goodbye now.

Everyone parted in an affectionate manner, and Aunt Mary did not turn back toward the cottage until Uncle Padrig drove out of sight.  At that instant, tears rose freshly in her eyes, and gathering up her shawl, Aunt Mary covered her face with it.  She stopped for a moment before going inside, as if she had something to say; but she offered no further comments.  Making a low, dreary, wretched moaning in her shawl, Aunt Mary finally went inside.

Padrig Larkin directed the horse-drawn cart toward Balla.  The 56-year-old Larkin sat on the carrier’s seat, affable and serene in the soiled light-gray trousers, the white collarless shirt and the tweed cap.  The cart moved steadily beyond the sunny loneliness of Carrownahan, as the few miles of countryside unrolled beneath the tireless feet of the old horse, beneath the creaking and clanking cartwheels.

Liam Sheridan wore his best clothes for the four-hour trip from Balla-to-Cork, on the Midland & Great Western railway to the Southern Coast of Ireland.  There was one stop at the Limerick Junction, the half-way point between Balla and Cork.  Liam was escorted by his 24-year-old cousin, Delia Flynn, on his journey to America.

The railway engine screamed and Padrig Larkin, isolated in the smoky glare, dwindled among the crowd and tender.  Heritage, history, and family also dwindled there. Liam closed his eyes.  A bag of fig rolls lay snugly in his pocket.  He curled them between his palms and swallowed them softly.  Crumbs adhered to his lips.  The track swerved to a greener world: outside the railway carriage there was a deep blue summer sky in South Mayo, with patches of fleecy clouds which blotched the bare hillsides with shadows.  Liam’s face gazed out the window as grass lands rolled away in long undulating miles to the sky rim, crossed here and there by grassy ridges running from east to west.  He had abundant occupation for his thoughts, in every conspicuous landmark on the journey immediately away from Balla.

Along the horizon low ranges of mountains mingled their deep tints with the silvery whiteness of the clouds.  There were no woodlands, no groves, and scarcely any trees at all, stripped away by the British long ago.  There was no agriculture, the fertile desert uncultivated from end to end.  From the carriage window to the crest of the far-off ridges, the public road stretched in a straight line across the valley, between the stonewalls, breast high, which separated it from the silent fields on either side.

Long before the train reached the Limerick Junction, Liam began to think of the old Sheridan cabin in Knocknamoglaun as altogether abandoned, of the weeds growing tall in the yard, and the fallen leaves lying thick and wet upon the paths.  He imagined how the winds of winter would howl around it, how the cold rain would beat against the windows, how the moon would make ghosts on the walls of the empty rooms, watching their solitude all night.  Liam thought of the family graves – his mother and Sheridan grandparents – left behind in the Mayo Abbey Parish, and it seemed as if his connection to Ireland was already dead too.

As Liam scanned the Irish landscape for the last time, pausing to listen to Delia Flynn, who chattered away without ceasing, and at the same time all sorts of images to do with St. Louis and a new family life presented themselves disjointedly before his imagination.

Four hours later, the train finally pulled into the Queenstown Railway Station on Westbourne Place, next to the port.  Built in 1890, the railway station replaced the original station that stood a short distance to the west of the building.

Delia Flynn and her charge walked east along Westbourne Place, one of the busiest streets in Queenstown.  Westbourne Place was an airy, spacious, well-proportioned thoroughfare.  The sidewalks were wide and smooth and there was plenty of light by night and day.  A double electric tramcar line ran along the middle of the street, and the posts that carried the overhead wires had large arc lamps.  Seven other kinds of vehicles were prominent on Westbourne Place, including the automobile, the jaunting car, the landau, the brougham, the inside car, the hansom cab, and the covered car.

For several minutes, Liam stood and watched the people pass by, as if he really were a stranger on earth.  They were well dressed, both men and women, and carried themselves gracefully.  From a nearby cellar grating floated up the flabby gush of porter.  Through the open doorway of a bar squirted out whiffs of ginger, tea dust, biscuit mush.  Later, the small group passed by a tobacconist against which news boards leaned and told of a dreadful catastrophe in New York City.  In America those things were constantly happening.  Moored under some nearby trees was a turf barge, a bargeman with a hat of dirty straw seated amid ship, smoking and staring at a branch of poplar above him.

Yet the unceremonious pushing and hustling that Liam received, soon recalled him from that reverie.  Taking Delia by the arm, Liam drew her along as if piloting her through danger.

At his age, Liam saved up three and ten pence in a red tin moneybox.  He shook out the three-penny bits and a sixpence and coaxed out the pennies with the blade of a knife.  Two and three in silver and one and seven in coppers.  Later Liam purchased one and four pence worth of brawn and four slices of pan loaf at a Queenstown dining room.  Outside on Westbourne Place, Delia and Liam walked past more Hackney carts, cabs, delivery wagons, mail-vans, and private broughams.  Liam stopped again and bought from an old apple woman two Banbury cakes for a penny.

The twosome walked by the tree shade of sunny winking leaves and towards them came a Sacsanach (English) sailor.

– Very well, indeed.  And you?

The twosome was wonderfully well indeed.  They would all go to St. Louis, Missouri.  Neither of them ever planned to return to Ireland. The two continued east, toward the Post Office building, at the intersection of Westbourne Place and Casement Square.  The mid-19th century building was one of the busiest sites in Queenstown.  In 1876 it housed the Post Office, the Postal Telegraph Office and the Government Emigration office.  James Scott and Co., shipping agents, also had their office in the building.  Scott and Co. were agents for the White Star Line and emigrants for White Star ships usually departed from the rear of the building.  Delia Flynn bought passage to New York City from Scott and Co., for the S.S. Baltic.

On Thursday, June 16, 1906, the S.S. Baltic docked in Queenstown harbor, ready to sail, with clouds of smoke pouring from its two funnels.  The ship originated in Liverpool the day before, with 1,619 passengers already on board.  Many of the travelers were from the United Kingdom, but others were from Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Poland, Russia, and Persia.  One servant was from Japan.  After the 208 outgoing Irish immigrants took a tender to the ship near the harbor entrance, people hurried to their quarters.  Captain Edward J. Smith and the crew ignored all inquiries from people who constantly bumped into one another; and the din merged into the hissing steam, which, escaping through some iron plates, wrapped the whole scene in a white mist, while the bell in the bows went on clanging incessantly.

The 53-year-old Captain Edward J. Smith was the master of the S.S. Baltic and Commodore of the White Star fleet.  He was a quiet man with shaggy eyebrows.  Captain Smith, starting out in sail, had earned his master’s certificate at the age of 25 and had served 26 years with White Star.  He was known as a prudent, experienced seaman.

Yet Captain Smith’s career ended tragically six years later as the master of the Titanic.  When the Titanic hit an iceberg at 11:48 p.m., April 14, 1912, off the Grand Banks of Newfoundland, the S.S. Baltic was 200 miles to the southeast, and could not arrive in time to help.  The disaster resulted in the loss of 1,513 lives.  Thirteen people from the Castlebar area of County Mayo died in the tragedy.

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012


On the Move – Part One

Liam Padrig Sheridan (1895-1947) grew up in the Irish village of Balla, about eight miles southeast of Castlebar, in the south-central part of County Mayo.  In Gaelic, the name of the village is Ball Aluinn, which means “the beautiful place.”

Tradition says that St. Patrick rested in Balla, and in ancient times there was the Tochar Phadraig or St. Padrig’s Road through Balla, which marked the route traversed by St. Patrick on his way eastward from Croagh Padrig, where he wrestled with the snakes.

Three years before the Great Famine struck, British novelist William Makepeace Thackeray (1811-1863) toured the country.  In his Irish sketch book, Thackeray described County Mayo as interspersed with many large domains belonging to bankrupt lords and fugitive squires.  In his account, the peasants looked healthy enough in their rags; especially the children.  However, Thackeray cautioned that after a couple of months in Ireland, the ragged people didn’t look so frightening.

By 1847, Queen Victoria (1819-1901) was informed the state of Ireland was alarming and the country could explode in rebellion.  She paid a royal visit later that year, serenely admired the beauty of the scenery, and was relieved that the people “received us with great enthusiasm.”  Nevertheless, at Cork she noted: “You see more ragged and wretched people here than I ever saw anywhere else.”

During the Great Famine, men found that the scenes long spoken of with awe as characterizing earlier famines were now taking place on an even more horrifying scale. The dead were often lying unburied six or eight days in the streets, and since starving and dying people lacked the strength to till the soil to pay the rent, evictions occurred on an unprecedented scale.  The potato failure endangered the payment of rents, a  swarming population was likely to become unprofitable, and landlords were eager to clear their property of non-paying tenants.  At one point, people in the vicinity of Castlebar were officially called on to give up possession, and their houses were then demolished – roofs torn off, walls thrown down.  The scene was frightful; women running wailing with pieces of their property and clinging to door-posts, children screaming with fright.  That night the people slept in the ruins; next day they were driven out, the foundations of the houses were torn up and razed, and no neighbor was allowed to take them in.

Over the next five years a million Irish died and another million left their homeland in the Irish Diaspora, most of them heading across the ocean to America.  The only parallels for this mass exodus were the plagues and persecutions of the Old Testament.

Liam Sheridan made his journey “out of Ireland” on June 16, 1904.  He was accompanied by his 24-year-old cousin, Delia Flynn, a servant.  The duo had $25 each, provided by Liam’s father, already settled in America. Brendan Sheridan “got off the land,” four years earlier, and after working as a streetcar conductor in St. Louis bought a third-class steamship ticket for Liam.

Once the arrangements were made, the rest of the months were a jumble in Liam Sheridan’s recollections of daily life; of the waning summer and the changing season; of the frosty fall mornings when he was rung out of bed, and the cold, cold smell of the dark nights when he was rung into bed again, of the morning schoolroom in Balla, of the alternation of boiled beef with potatoes, and boiled mutton with potatoes, of clods of bread-and-butter, dog’s-eared lesson books, and rainy Sundays.

The people populating Liam’s dreams were now American, though the country of sleep was always the Ireland within the Mayo Abbey Parish.  There were plenty of ghost stories told – banshees, horseless carriages, headless riders, men carrying coffins who disappeared over cliffs or into thin air, hearses and funeral processions appearing from nowhere, specters rising from the sea and out of the air – enough to keep any young boy with his head under the blankets at night.

Liam Sheridan entered the Manulla School in September, 1901.  On the first day of school, he was given a framed slate and three inch pencil.  The slate was lined on one side for writing, plain on the other for sums.  Six blows on each hand from the teacher’s stick was the usual punishment for a wrong answer in class.

Each Monday, Father John McDermott would visit the school and ask questions from the Catechism.  He would also ask questions about his sermon at Mass the day before to check if students were paying attention.  Anyone who gave a wrong answer to the priest received a sore ear.

The road ran past Uncle Padrig’s gate, barely forty yards from the front door.  To the south it climbed over the knock where lay the bogs from which their turf came, to Balla and the railway station.

In winter the road was deep in mud, and school children wore heavy boots with rows of studs on them which saved the leather from getting worn.  In summer months, children were allowed to leave the boots at home and go to school barefoot, when the dust was kind to little bare feet.

Summer and winter Liam traveled the road on foot or on bicycles to school and to Mass.  Many warm summer days he helped herd a cow grazing the “long meadow” – the grassy margin of the road – and felt the slow steady pulse of the countryside as it passed by.  The cow in the long meadow lowed, slouching by on padded hoofs, whisked its tail on the clotted bony croups.  Older people walking, younger ones sailing past on bicycles, rails piled high with turf, carts full of clanking milk tankards, small herds of cattle on the way to a fair, children sent to Balla for “messages,” occasionally a horseman or a tinker’s spring cart or a motor-car that raised clouds of dust.

Liam had what every boy wanted, a road, and a mile of kingdom, where he was king of banks and stones and everything.  The road to Balla was Liam’s link with the outside world.  Many of his people had traveled far on it, some never to return from the scattered kingdom of the newest lost tribe: his father, the three Sheridan sisters, John O’Malley, and others.  Men like his grandfather Sheridan, who were glad to find work at four pence a day, built the road in 1840.  The road carried the wedding parties and funerals of many from the clann.  It bore the whole stream of a community’s life.

Liam’s occupation in his last solitary pilgrimage was to recall every yard of the road as he went along it, and to haunt the old spots, of which he never tired.  He haunted them, as his memory had often done.  The grave in the old cemetery, where his mother lay in a quiet corner, he walked near, startled by the sound of the church-bell when it struck, for it was like a departed voice to him.

Liam scarcely remembered his mother, who died suddenly when he was three-years-old.  Most all thoughts of her were based on stories relatives told him about Caitlin Sheridan.

– How long ago was it?  Year mother died.  Six years ago this month: ninety-eight she
died, yes that’s right.  Too young to remember that day.  Home always breaks up when
the mother goes.  Amor matris: Caitlin Sheridan had loved me, borne me in her arms and in her heart. Was that real?  The only true thing in life?  She is no more.  A poor soul gone to heaven.

All those years, Liam had gone on loving his father, more than ever.  His idea was Liam’s refuge in disappointment and distress, and made some amends to him, even for the constant change of households between the Higgins’ and the Larkins’.  The more low-spirited Liam felt about his circumstances, the more he sought consolation in the image of Brendan Sheridan in America.

When Liam thought about his father, he could conjure up a vivid picture of his whole appearance and especially the charm of his smile, which never failed to transport him into another world, where his heart softened and he felt full of peace, as he remembered feeling on rare occasions in his early childhood.

– I well remember though, how the distant idea of moving to St. Louis to live with my
father, after being for an immense time to be a stationary speck, began to come towards
me, and to grow and grow.  How from counting years, I came to months, and then to
weeks; and how I began to be afraid that I should not be sent for and when I learned that
I had been sent for by my father, and was certainly to go to St. Louis, and a new mother:
I had dim forebodings of the trip across the North Atlantic Ocean.  What a strange
feeling it is to be going home when it is not home, and to find that every object I study
around Balla reminds me of the old happy home, like a dream I can never dream again.

The well-remembered ground was soon traversed, and Liam came into the quiet street of Balla, where every stone was a boy’s book to him.  He stood in the doorway of a shop, and looked across the ancient street at the opposite buildings, recalling how women in shawls went clicking along the paths together, and the dull rain fell in slanting lines, and poured out of makeshift waterspouts, and flowed into the road.

Perhaps the last image of Balla was reserved for St. Jarlath’s Day, when troops of people passed through the village.  They were on a variety of vehicles, from the humble donkey cart to every kind of bicycle imaginable.  Many people tramped the roads in the summer dust; others walked across the fields and soft rolling hills.  Whether the people came from Skiddernagh or Carrownahan, they all converged in a common destination, they were on their way to St. Cronan’s Church.  June 6, the day of Liam Sheridan’s birthday, was also the feast day of St. Jarlath, the patron saint of County Mayo.  Known as a “pattern” or patron day – this was a day of prayer, or penance, and cheery festivity, too, and courtship and laughter and dancing – a day made up of Irish faith and Irish history, revealed in the softer lights of Irish character.

The parish church had seen stormy times and was very old.  It was old when the Danes raided the original building.  It was old before the Saracens were smashed at Tours, before William the Conqueror landed at Hastings, before the Crusades.  It was old before the great Cathedrals of Europe were built.

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012

 


Our Lady of Dogtown – Chapters 9 and 10

Chapter Nine
After father abandoned his car in Brownsville, Texas he crossed the Río Bravo and continued his trip to Tamazunchale by bus.  Father didn’t even try to sleep on the 12-hour journey.  He sat by a window, his eyes staring straight before him or scanning the people who got on or off in the dusty little villages; and if on previous occasions his air of composure had struck and upset those who didn’t even know him, father now seemed arrogant and more self-sufficient than ever.  He felt like a king, not because he had special privileges – but because he was conquering a new world.  He felt that all his powers, once dissipated and wasted in St. Louis, were focused on a single goal – a new life in a new country.  And this made him happy.

From Matamoras on the border Highway 101 proceeds southwest across the great desert of northern México, a perpetually arid region of cactus, low-growing trees and shrubs, acacia, mesquite and desert palm.  The highway crosses the state of Tamaulipas, passing through San Fernando to Ciudad Victoria, the state capital.  Ciudad Victoria, at the foothills of the Sierra Madre Oriental, is 322 miles above sea level.  With a population of 100,000, the city is named for General Guadalupe Victoria, who fought in the War of Independence and later became the first president of México.

At Ciudad Victoria, Highway 85 – also known as the Pan-American Highway, which begins in Nuevo Laredo to the northwest – extends southward through increasingly lush and subtropical landscape of palmetto palms, giant ceibas, mahoganies and wild figs to Ciudad Mante, the center of a sugar cane industry.  The next major town on the highway is Ciudad de Valles, the center of both a sugarcane and citrus growing area.

Ciudad de Valles is also a crossroads for travelers.  Highways from Ciudad Victoria in the north, San Luis Potosi in the west and Tampico in the east all converge in Ciudad de Valles.

For travelers proceeding due south, Highway 85 passes through the valley of el Río Huichihuayan and leads to Tamazunchale and ultimately Ciudad de México.  About 10 hours after he began his trip in Matamoras, father finally arrived at his destination.

The narrow streets around the village plaza were constantly filled with activity during the day.  Women wore rebozos typically made of coarse cotton, since the silk ones were only for church.   Stands and cafes offered tamales, frijoles, tortillas and dulces made with piloncillo.  Mercades stocked foods like chorizo, while panderias baked fresh bread.

In the early evenings, as the sun began to set, the people sat outside their homes.  The air carried the smell of supper time – tortillas baking, beans boiling, chili roasting, coffee steaming and the stench of kerosene.  The men squatted on the ground, hunched against the wall of the houses and smoked.  The women and the girls put away the kitchen things.  Soon night fell, and the hunched figures blended into the darkness.  Yet not everyone was sleepy, so people continued to stir in front of their homes.  Then only their voices could be heard.  Gradually, the talk just faded away, the men went inside, the doors were shut and there was nothing on the street but the dark.

Chapter 10
The two distinct cultures separating the U.S. and México have fascinated both American and British writers for decades.  Beginning with the Porfirio Diaz era (1876-1911), some English writing about México worthy of note found its way into print.  By the 1920s and 1930s, México as a theme of English literature really flourished.  A list of significant writers since 1890 that visited México is impressively long and they contributed outstanding works in almost every genre.  Some of those writers were Stephen Crane, Jack London, Ambrose Bierce, John Reed, D.H. Lawrence, Katherine Anne Porter, B. Traven, Graham Greene, Evelyn Waugh, Malcolm Lowry, William Burroughs, Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsburg.

No matter how father tried to integrate himself with new forces and rituals to help preserve his dignity, he would always be an outsider, standing in strong contrast with his new world.  Surrounded by various patterns that he was only partly to understand, father appeared to move in a meaningful direction, yet actually went nowhere.  Sometimes the apparent simplicity of the Méxicanos seemed to hold a possible answer to his problems, yet eventually some of the natives came to represent purgatorial forces.

Not long after father arrived in Tamazunchale, he called mother in Dogtown and told her he needed money to repair the Corvair, still stranded in Brownsville.  Father had not paid child support for several months, so mother hung up on him.  Weeks later an American man called her from Tamazunchale on father’s behalf.  He told her that father was sick and needed money badly.  Mother heard father in the background, assisting with the conversation.  She hung up again, and that was her last contact with her ex-husband.

Once father settled in Tamazunchale, he resided in El Hotel Tropical on the east side of the Pan-American Highway.  If his lonely hearts contact didn’t work out, he didn’t waste time acquiring a new female companion.  Father contacted a St. Louis banker regarding a modest inheritance he had concealed from everyone else.

November 1, 1963
Dear Sir:

Life here in Mexico is better than all the years I was married in St. Louis.  My ex-wife could cut anybody down quicker with her tongue than you could bat an eye.  She took me for 12 years and now she wants more money.

Well, on my divorce decree handed down by a St. Louis judge, I was ordered to pay $1 a year for alimony; that’s all he decreed in the eyes of the law.  By word of mouth at the time of the divorce, I said I might provide more money if possible. But this is not in any decree handed down by any judge, and if she gets another red cent that is my Mexican senorita’s and mine, I am just likely to go make a visit to the States.  This is not a warning or a threat; it is a matter of fact.

James Patrick Sheridan
El Hotel Tropical

January 21, 1964
Dear Sir,

This regards knowledge of my inheritance.  If this is the wrong contact, please advise accordingly.

When I left the United States I wasn’t married.  Since moving to Tamazunchale, I have been living with Senorita Nacha who I consider my wife, for we have been together since I came here six months ago.

Now that I am here, I need money.  And don’t forget the Mexican law, as a tourist I am nobody.

James Patrick Sheridan
El Hotel Tropical

No one knows what happened to Senorita Nacha, yet after a while father crept to bed in El Hotel Tropical and there was no one waiting for him.  When one is an adult, what is there in life besides the person whom one adores and the life one can build with that person?   How pointless and empty the world seems without a companion.  Our days, filled with ordinary moments, slowly succeed each other, while restless nights follow in somber routine.  The sun shines without brightness and the moon rises without light.  Father became a lost soul and groped in the darkness of remembered ways.

In the summer of 1967 my cousin, Kate Kelly, stayed briefly in México as part of a Maryknoll Mission, teaching English to youngsters.  A graduate of St. Louis University, the 22-year-old Kate majored in Spanish.  Part of her undergraduate studies included a stay at the University of México City.  Before Kate returned to St. Louis in the summer of 1967, she stopped in Tamazunchale to see Jamie Sheridan at El Hotel Tropical.  It marked the first time any family member had seen Jamie since he left the United States four years earlier.

Upon her return home, Kate shared those experiences with her side of the family.

My grandmother, Kathleen Sheridan, who had lived in the Kelly household since 1950, was particularly anxious to visit Jamie in Tamazunchale after Kate’s return from México.  She had not seen him in four years, either.  In early September, Kathleen began a series of letters to Jamie, spelling out her plans for a brief vacation in México.

September 1, 1967
Dear Jamie,

I know Kate has been to visit you, and as I understand you now have your own place and are happy there, I am wondering if I could come to visit you, but only after Lauren has been to Ireland to visit Ellen and Seamus and the baby.  She is going in October and will be over there for 3 weeks!

Jamie, it’s over 4 years since I saw you, and I love you very much and would like to come there to visit you after Bridget is back home.  I don’t expect to stay very long, as Kate says you only have one bed, and I guess I’d have to stay in a hotel.  But I’d love to see you!

September 3, 1967
Dear Jamie,

I have wanted for a long time to come to see you, but knowing nothing about Mexico I wondered if I could find you, but since Kate did I seem to have a little more confidence about going.  She wanted me to go when she was going, but I said, no, I’ll wait until after you have been there and seen Jamie, and you can let me know all about Mexico and try to find out if there is a place I could stay for a while, and if he would like me to come.  She only wrote that you look well and are happy there and have friends.

September 7, 1967
Dear Jamie,

I hope nothing will stop me from going to Mexico so I can see you!  It seems like such a long time.  I hope I can stay a while and get to know some of your friends!

October 1, 1967
Dear Jamie,

Kate wrote some more things for me in Spanish.  She said if we eat in a restaurant and I can say `it was good,’ in Spanish, they would like it.  So I am trying!  I read it over and over, and then put the paper down and try to say it, but I am not sure I am saying it right.  I guess you had the same trouble.

I had a letter today from Annie [Higgins] and she said the altitude and things maybe aren’t too good for old people, but if I have made up my mind to go, she guesses no one can stop me.  I guess she’s right!

Am I writing too many letters?  You are not answering.

P.S. I’d go to the end of the earth to see you or Dad if I had to.

October 2, 1967
Dear Jamie,

I hope you feel OK.  I haven’t heard from you for a while.  I am OK.  My sinus headache finally left.

It’s cooler here around 60 degrees, so the girls [Terry and Denise] have to wear a jacket when they play outside.  It will be nice to go where it is warm.  I am looking forward to it.  I guess you will find out I don’t worry about things as much as I did, so we ought to have a nice time together.

October 5, 1967
Dear Jamie,

I haven’t been getting many letters lately!  Maybe they will come after I leave for Mexico!  Are you counting the days until I can come?  I am!  I can hardly wait, but I guess I’ll have to!  When I get there don’t give me a big bear hug like you used to, as I have a loose rib!

October 6, 1967
Dear Jamie,

I received your nice and long letter of Sept. 12 and it made me feel so good to have you say I would be welcome in your home, and I hope I can stay for a while.

Jamie, it sounds like you have found wonderful friends and are happy and I am looking forward to meeting them when I get to Mexico.  Kate says they all love you and everyone calls you Mr. Sheridan.

That is so nice.  I am happy for you, and I hope they will like me too.

October 18, 1967
Dear Jamie,

Kate was excited about visiting you and told us how pretty it is and how well you look and I was very glad to hear it all.

I can hardly wait to see you Jamie, but I will try to be patient.  I wish I could just get on a bus and start now, but I will have to wait.  We all love you – especially me.

October 19, 1967
Dear Jamie,

Well, I won’t be here for Denise’s birthday [November 17] or Thanksgiving but I will be with you so I don’t mind as it’s a long time since I saw you.  I hope the climate agrees with me as they told me I can stay 30 days if I want.

Arrive at 11 p.m. on the 14th Nov.

November 4, 1967
Dear Jamie,

Today my tourist pass came in the mail, and my voter’s card was returned to me.  It was used as identification, so now all I have to do is go down and pay for my ticket.

Kate said she wished she was going with me.  She really likes Mexico!  She is in Chicago, but will come home for Thanksgiving.  She was here Saturday as it was Grandpa Kelly’s birthday [Joseph Kelly] and they ate at a restaurant.  I stayed home to watch the children.  Guess they will miss me a little when they want to go out.

*     *     *

Kathleen Sheridan had reservations for November 13 at the Cameron Hotel in Brownsville, Texas.  Located at 912 East Washington, the lodging billed itself as Texas’ Tidiest Hotel.  Owned by the Schmachtenberger family in 1967, the Cameron Hotel is within a five-block radius of the International Bridge.

Early Monday Kathleen flew from St. Louis to Brownsville, with a connection in Dallas. Lauren, who had just returned from Dublin, Ireland, prepared all her travel arrangements.  A round-trip ticket from St. Louis-to-Tamazunchale, including air and bus fare, cost $130 through the Lambert Travel Agency.  On Tuesday, November 14 Kathleen left her hotel room and took a taxi to the bus station for her 9 a.m. departure to Tamazunchale.  Her trip, which took her through the states of Tamaulipas and San Luis Potosi, required 12 hours on the road.  She traveled alone.

Kathleen Sheridan’s journey by bus followed the same route Jamie took four years earlier.  Her bus proceeded southwest along Highway 101, across the low-lying plains, until reaching Ciudad Victoria, and then shifted due south on the Pan-American Highway.  She reached the bus station in Tamazunchale at approximately 9 p.m. and the son she had not seen since 1963 was there to meet her.  Three days later, she celebrated her 71st birthday in México.

What began as plans for a 30-day vacation, quickly changed to a permanent move to México.  Within nine days of her arrival, Kathleen requested a partial refund from the Lambert Travel Agency for her return ticket to St. Louis.  She never returned to the United States.   Her decision to remain with Jamie in Tamazunchale shocked everyone.

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012


Beyond Here is Nothing – Part Four

Fractured Air

“I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can
Some things are too hot to touch,
The human mind can only stand so much
You can’t win with a losing hand

People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight; I’m out of range
I used to care, but things have changed.”
Things Have Changed
Bob Dylan

 

Tuesday,
May 12,
2009

Dear Ryan:

Writing is not what I do; it’s who I am.

Now I write to keep you alive.

Each day crawls by slowly and there are no escapes from poignant reminders of you everywhere.

I don’t want to ignore these sensations because of how much I love you.  Part of what is so excruciating is that I can only refer to you in the past tense now.  There is no present for you, and there is no future.  This is most distressing because you have joined the departed, and you are the last person who should be gone from the family firm.

Forgive me if I digress wildly but it’s difficult to grasp the fleeting shadows of life.

Yesterday I returned to work.  If I stay removed from humanity, I only delude myself by thinking you are simply away on a trip and will return soon enough.  Ever since we learned of your death while traveling abroad, I have obsessed on how you stepped on to the patio and left this world.  Your mother and me sat in a foreign hotel room for hours, going wild with grief, and we railed against the unfairness of life.  We learned of your death around 1 p.m., and we had no choice but to remain at the hotel for another seven hours before we could arrange a flight to Tokyo later that night.  The agony of our disbelief was more harrowing than any hell I had ever imagined.  And then there was the time sitting around the airport, and then there was the time flying back to Tokyo – to another foreign country that seemed even more foreign than when we left on vacation almost a week beforehand.  You called us on our cell phone that Friday as we headed for the Tokyo airport – and the last thing you ever said to your mother was:
“no worries, mom.”

No worries.

We always worried about you … because you were the center of our life.  How could we not worry about you?  This is what responsible parents do.

What should I do with my life now?  I’m at the tail end of 50.  Who cares about my insights?  Who cares about items I have acquired that speak to my values?

Monday,
May 18,
2009

Dear Ryan:

How can I stop talking to you … communing with you somehow?  I have been doing this now every day for over 21 years.  How can I turn my heart off and all the love it holds for you?  This will only be possible when I draw my last breath.

It’s quite impossible to take you aside and show you a Frank Capra rendition of your life, show you all the people affected by your death.  You would be astonished.  Yet how I fervently wish that I could make you see all this and hold on to you – forever.

Your mother … well, she’s in bad shape.  Some days are slightly better than others.  But the result is always the same.  She doesn’t want to be alive now that you are dead.  And I have no convincing reason for why I struggle through each day.  I suppose it’s sheer cowardice that prevents me from doing anything drastic.  So I try to prop her up … and she tries to prop me up, and it all seems pointless without you.

Your mother thinks we are being punished by your death, but this is part of the grieving process, trying to assess blame for what survivors can’t possibly understand.  And, of course, we can’t understand any of our circumstances. I still look toward the patio door from the kitchen where I sit every morning and I can’t imagine that you actually stepped past the threshold and left this world.  I play tricks with my imagination and tell myself that you are merely gone for a while – but that you will return.  Since I do not believe in a supreme being who controls our fate like pieces on a chessboard, there is no retribution being meted out to us.  This is not payback for how we have wronged someone else.  Life is a fluke, that’s all.  We must muddle along and find some meaning for our existence.  You would appreciate my existential take on all this.  I guess it’s time that I finally read Camus.

What I often think about is how perfect life seemed as we traveled abroad on vacation over spring break.  Our lives seemed set.  Finally, after all the years of struggle, money was not an issue.  There were no burdens.  And then you died, and with this reality all our wealth vanished in an instant.

Your mother has an uncanny intuition.  She is almost clairvoyant sometimes.  She remembers waking up early Thursday morning – April 9, with a bolt, and remembering receiving a phone call about an emergency.  Of course your mother dismissed this as a bad dream and, if there was any context to the matter, she vaguely attributed any premonition to news about her father.  At the same time I recall screaming out your mother’s name so vividly that I was shocked she didn’t respond to me.  But I was dreaming and yet this all occurred as you died.

For the next two days (April 9-10), we enjoyed ourselves at the vacation resort not knowing that we would never see you again.  I spoke with you for the last time Monday night, right before we went to dinner.  It was nearly 10 p.m. and you had just returned from work.  Our conversation was so perfectly normal: you were talkative, you were happy and upbeat, you were … just the Ryan I had always known.

Wednesday,
May 20,
2009

Dear Ryan:

To my total disgust I am alive another day.  Each night when I go to sleep I pray for deliverance from the hell that is life without your physical presence.  How contradictory of me since I do not believe in God – yet I do ask to be spared another day.  And here I am … alive, and our roles should be reversed.  You should be alive, just starting life – and I should be dead, since I have had 57 years to accomplish something … and my only noteworthy accomplishment is that I am your father.

Perhaps I am crazy in grief because I act as if you are still by my side.

But I prefer the craziness to reality that is a nightmare more agonizing than I ever thought possible.

The air is fractured and dark.  I am broken.

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012

 


Letter to a Young Hip Hop Disciple

Consider our relationship like the older, irascible writer and the young high school student in Finding Forrester, that exceptional film by Gus Van Sant.  After the train wreck that has been my life the past few years, you help rekindle my desire to live.

We are at least one generation apart if not more.  Some of your values are peculiar to my crowd, provoking numerous people to bark with laughter and even trumpet the end of civilization on occasion.  My parents and their friends were equally dismissive of my sidekicks and me when I was your age. The natural arc of life is to go from Angry Young Man-to-country club member-to-gouty curmudgeon.  I don’t want to act so world-weary that my face conforms to the mask, and I become a spectator to my own stupidity. I don’t agree with Shakespeare that by my age “the heyday in the blood is tame.” If I’m going to wake up to another new morning, I still want big bonfires in my life. So I appreciate your perspectives even if we disagree.

You promised me a CD of significant Hip hop music.  In the meantime, I’ve created a corresponding CD that’s important to me.  What follows is the play list with some background information.

Play list

Too Much Monkey Business                     Chuck Berry (1956)
Subterranean Homesick Blues                 Bob Dylan (1965)
Like a Rolling Stone                                    Bob Dylan (1965)
Most Likely You Go Your Way                  Bob Dylan (1966)
Rainy Day Women #12 & 35                     Bob Dylan (1966)
Hurricane                                                       Bob Dylan (1975)
Things Have Changed                                Bob Dylan (2000)

Missed The Boat                                           Modest Mouse
Dashboard                                                     Modest Mouse
Float On                                                         Modest Mouse

Victor Jara’s Hands                                    Calexico
Rivers of Babylon                                         The Melodians
The Way You Move                                      Outkast
Santeria                                                           Sublime
April 29, 1992                                                Sublime
Take a Walk on the Wild Side                  Lou Reed
I Can’t Go for That                                       Hall and Oates
Gimme Shelter                                              The Rolling Stones
Miss You (Dr. Dre Remix)                        The Rolling Stones
Rehab                                                             Amy Winehouse
Julia                                                                John Lennon
Beautiful Boy                                                 John Lennon

Regardless of medium, an artist has certain responsibilities.  First and foremost is to provide insights about the human condition with uncompromising honesty.  To tell it like it is.  History can always be found in a textbook – most of which offer a boring whitewash of reality and only serve to place the winners in the best possible light.

The best version of a history of any culture is found in the works of poets, painters, singers, writers, comedians, filmmakers, and actors.  Somewhere among the stories told through these formats is a truth that inspires us to overcome injustice, inequality, degradation and rise to our best capabilities in order to make this a better world, a more humane word, a world of genuine respect and dignity.

An artist stands on the shoulders of the giants who preceded him or her, pays homage to these worthy accomplishments, emulates their best qualities and uses every possible device and technique to create a unique vision to enlighten us.

Rock and roll is the soundtrack to my life.  Before I headed for grade school in 1957, I was already aware of Chuck Berry, a black musician from St. Louis, my hometown.  He invented rock and roll, not Elvis Presley or a slew of other white imitators.  The very term “rock and roll” was once a euphemism for sex that originated from the urban black culture of America, the result of the great black migration to the northern cities after World War One.  Chuck Berry did what all great artists do: he built a steady foundation on what came before in order to create a fresh vision.  Naturally he has a rhythm and blues background – but Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys, a Western Swing band popular in the 1940s, also influenced him.

Listen to Too Much Monkey Business and you will detect a basic rhythm and blues arrangement, yet there are also clear traces of a little country and western, almost rockabilly.  However, listen to how Chuck Berry runs the lyrics and I’d argue that this song qualifies as the beginning of Hip hop music.  In 1956.

Anyone who comes after Chuck Berry (he is still alive at age 84) owes him a huge debt.  This definitely includes the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and Bob Dylan.

As Bob Dylan is now 70, it’s easy for me to acknowledge him as monumentally important in the music of America over the past half-century.  Dylan is the Picasso of American pop music.  He has explored so many sub-genres and themes: folk, protest, full-throttle rock and roll, country, country-folk, and Christian.  Dylan’s golden period was 1965-1975.  Every time the media labeled him, he rebelled and went in a new direction.  Dylan’s talent rests supremely on his lyrics.  He is a poet.  As a musician, he’s average.  As a singer, he’s seldom first or second or third choice.  And, as he’s gotten older, his voice sounds like 40 miles of bad road. Yet Dylan has written some of the most astounding lyrics in American history.  He dropped out of college at age 19, and ten years later Princeton University awarded him an honorary doctorate in music.  This has never happened … it will likely never happen.

If you listen to Subterranean Homesick Blues, Dylan takes Chuck Berry’s Hip hop inspiration to a higher level and this brings the world closer to the modern genere.  Dylan fashions his arrangement on some rhythm and blues, some country and western – and the rest is unlike anything heard before.  It’s original, which is the mark of an artist. Check out the video on YouTube, with Dylan holding the placards of lyrics to the song.  It’s iconic.

Dylan’s voice and the song arrangements will be as foreign to you as Wiz Khalifa is to me – or Nelly, another St. Louis boy.  Yet if you pay attention to Like A Rolling Stone this is a revolutionary song. In an era before iPods, iTunes and LimeWire – or any other illegal download site, there was simply the radio, and all songs were under three minutes.  Dylan broke the rules with a song that is 6:13 minutes.  The song is a scathing put down of a girlfriend.  Dylan’s voice is full of contempt for her.  He wishes her nothing but dirt.  She’s betrayed him.  Notice, however, that Dylan does not use any vulgar or inappropriate language: no “ho,” “bitch,” or any reference to “muthafucka,” or “bleed the snake.”  Dylan simply uses the gift of language in a superbly powerful way to compel your attention with riveting intelligence.  Anyone can use vulgar language; walk through a neighborhood elementary school in America and be prepared for trash-talk from the mouths of babes. Language should be rendered with selective eloquence and sustained by tone to convey an intelligent point of view.

There are no original stories, what matters is how the story is told.

A broken-hearted man or woman is nothing new, but how we reveal our pain – and what our pain has taught us – is a mark of our character, and these insights help separate us from fools who are no better than a dog chasing its tail.

Dylan is a master and, though he has not always succeeded with every effort, he is fearless.

You should enjoy Rainy Day Women #12 & #35.  Everybody must get stoned.   DJ’s actually played this on the radio in 1966, the year I started high school.  Hurricane is about the imprisonment of Rubin “Hurricane” Carter, the middleweight boxer.  See Denzel Washington in The Hurricane.

Things Have Changed, and this is certainly true of Dylan’s voice – which sounds absolutely ravaged by age.  Yet this world-weary overview of life is actually compelling.  Fifty years ago, Dylan tried to sound like an older singer with a genuine sense of the blues.  Now he is the genuine article.

The rest of the play list is a tip of the iceberg for music that often reflects my outlook and moods on any given day.

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012


Bob Dylan is 70

Life changed on June 24, 1965, when Bobby Gregg’s pistol-like snare drum shot announced Bob Dylan’s Like A Rolling Stone and served notice of a watershed in American culture.  Al Kooper’s inspired performance on Hammond organ was the perfect driving accompaniment to Dylan’s burningly intense song about exile, isolation and abandonment. At over six minutes, Like A Rolling Stone broke all the rules for radio airplay when it was released as a single. Yet what really set the song apart from all previous efforts in pop culture were lyrics of riveting intelligence delivered with brilliantly restrained cynicism.

With Like A Rolling Stone, the 24-year-old Dylan burned down the house and then stood tall on the shoulders of poets like Rimbaud, T.S. Eliot and Allen Ginsberg and said, “Don’t look back.”

Dylan turns 70 on Tuesday and he’s been breaking the rules since he dropped out of college in 1960.  Based on the range of his oeuvre, Dylan is the American equivalent of Picasso.  Todd Haynes perfectly captured the essence of our most iconic songwriter in I’m Not There, with six actors playing the role of Dylan in the different lives he’s led as an artist.

Regardless of medium, the responsibility of an artist is to expose deception, hypocrisy, social inequities and the great whitewash that government expects us to accept willingly. Dylan’s odyssey has been daring because he’s done this and much more, he’s always going somewhere new – even if the results don’t always achieve success.  Dylan’s genius is for providing unflinching reports of the human condition in language that is eloquently contoured and layered with edgy cynicism, clever irony, authentic rage, sophisticated humor and subtle tenderness.

The routine criticism about Dylan is his voice and, if one prefers entertainment, there are hundreds of musicians who have covered his songs in enjoyable style.  Yet if it’s piercing insights one requires for the trip down the long, lonesome highway, there’s nothing to beat Dylan’s corrosive snarl when he files his reports from the road.  This may be an acquired appreciation, like good coffee and good scotch. Drink up; it’s worth the effort.

Whether Dylan wrote Like A Rolling Stone as an arrogant kiss off to Warhol protégée Edie Sedgwick before he married Sara Lownds in November, 1965, or the song is meant as a confrontational meditation on the importance of perception and insight in general, the lyrics feel like a call to arms for the tumultuous 1960s.

“How does it feel?”

How does it feel to demand respect, dignity and equality in the birthplace of modern democracy – a nation still practicing de facto slavery in 1965, and coasting on the fumes of Manifest Destiny to colonize a Southeast Asian country?

History doesn’t always follow the Gregorian calendar precisely, and the 1960s do not correspond to a neat timetable. The upheavals of that decade began with President Kennedy’s assassination on November 22, 1963, and ended when President Nixon resigned the office in disgrace on August 9, 1974 for self-imposed exile in Southern California.

This marked the end of the American Nightmare that saw:

  • riots and fires plague major cities many summers that decade;
  • the assassinations of Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy;
  • near revolution in the streets of Chicago during August, 1968;
  • an anti-war movement not seen since the Civil War Draft Riots in New York City;
  • the pointless deaths of four unarmed college students during the Kent State massacre on May 4, 1970 at the hands of the Ohio National Guard;
  • the debacle of Vietnam.

Dylan released Highway 61 Revisited on August 30, 1965.  Ten years later he offered Blood on the Tracks on January 17, 1975.  These two sagacious masterpieces are fitting bookends to a crucial decade in American history by the country’s finest troubadour of all time – at the peak of his powers.

Following a near-fatal motorcycle accident in the summer, 1966, Dylan did not tour for eight years.  I saw Bob Dylan and the Band in concert on February 4, 1974.  Leon Russell played piano.  It was pure magic.

As an artist, Dylan has never been content to peddle the same tired act like some of his contemporaries.  He is an original and the awards which attest to his superb achievements are breathtaking: an honorary doctorate in music from both Princeton University (at age 29) and St. Andrews University (Scotland), 11 Grammy Awards, an Academy Award, a Golden Globe Award, the Kennedy Center Honors and a Pulitzer Prize.

Without question, Dylan deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature.

What a pleasure to be alive during his lifetime.

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012


Letter to Colette #3

February, 2003

Dear Colette:

As Charles Dickens says in A Tale of Two Cities, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness .…”

For now we remain in Bahrain. The flowering at the end of the long stem of the current Middle East tension is a black shadow quickly clouding up the windows.

Since George W. Bush took power in the U.S. Supreme Court-sanctioned coup d’état of 2000, the world has been blessed with an American leader of quite exceptional imbecility. Like Caligula, the selected president seems to also possess elements of madness, cruelty, extravagance and megalomania.

Regardless of additional U.N. resolutions and consensus problems among NATO, there is a quiet bustle among the expatriates surrounding the impending hostilities in this part of the world.  Certain international corporations are pulling out their nationals.  Our neighbors down the street will be in Dubai by next week.  One student and her family are bound for Cairo.  Yet another family is on the way to Belgium.  Members of the Royal Family have conveniently decamped for a ski trip in Italy.

We remain undecided about a course of action.  It may be safer here than in America.  The wild card is how will the local Muslims respond toward us once casualties occur in Baghdad.  Right now there is nothing to do except wait.

Meanwhile, I must wish you Ashura al-Murbak.

That’s right, it’s time for another funky Muslim celebration. As you know, Ashura honors the martyrdom of Imam Hossein (peace be upon him), the nephew of the Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) and is considered a historical turning point for the Shi’ites throughout the Islamic world.

Each year on Ashura, male Shi’ites publicly flog themselves.  This is similar to the Christian flagellants of the late 13th century, who roamed the European countryside whipping themselves because they thought the Black Death was God’s punishment for their miscreant ways.

Since we are an American school classes will be dismissed next Wednesday for Ashura.  There is a Shi’ite neighborhood a few blocks from school, not far from the Chinese Embassy; perhaps I’ll cruise through the Third World slum and give the “thumbs up,” in approval to this penitential procession.

By the way, here is another reason for travel to neighboring Saudi Arabia:

AUSTRALIAN officials were powerless to stop the jailing and public flogging of a medical administrator in Saudi Arabia, the Federal Government has conceded.

Melbourne father-of-three Robert Thomas was sentenced to 16 months’ jail and 300 lashings after his wife was convicted of stealing hospital equipment.

Mr. Thomas, 56, was found guilty by association under the country’s strict Sharia law.

The lashings are carried out 50 blows at a time, every two weeks.

Foreign Minister Alexander Downer said Australian consular officials had been in touch with Mr. Thomas since his arrest last year and had made several representations to Saudi officials for his release.”

*     *     *

The Wahhabi religious leaders hold serious sway over all life in Saudi Arabia, where Sharia law is the custom. Within Sharia law, crimes are punished by specific penalties, such as stoning, lashes or the severing of a hand; just basic Islamic justice.

The Wahhabi brand of Islam is extremely puritanical and makes the Shi’ites and Sunni appear liberal and wayward.  About this time last year, numerous teenage girls died in a fire at a Saudi Arabian school after the Wahhabi religious police refused to allow the victims to leave the burning building because they did not wear their head scarves.

Thankfully, Bahrain is considerably more civilized than its neighbor – just 15 miles away.  The al-Khalifa ruling family is Sunni, which is fairly analogous to the Protestant sect of Christianity.  In principle, Sunni Muslims’ do not believe in a relationship with God mediated by a clergyman.

Most upper class society in Bahrain is Sunni, while the majority population is Shi’ite.

Listen to the call of the imam from your neighborhood mosque and be prepared for the whip to come down.

It’s true; there are anti-American demonstrations here nearly every Friday, following the late morning call to prayer.  After the local Shi’ite imams invoke the mediocre cadence

“Allah Akbar,” [God is Great] and read from the Qur’an, several hundred religiously imbued Muslims – Shi’ites and Wahhabis park their full-size Cadillacs and Chevy Caprices and gather in the Diplomatic Section of Manama to vocalize their discontent with corrupt American policies.

After a cliché political demonstration, many quickly adjourn to American-franchise restaurants: Chili’s, Bennigan’s and Jonny Corino’s –  at swank, Western-styled shopping malls and half-heartedly debate certain irrefutable hypocrisies. In the case of Iraq, with no weapons of mass destruction to speak of, the U.S. plans a war; in the case of North Korea, it offers economic and energy aid. What a humiliating difference between contempt for the Arabs and fear of North Korea, an equally grim and cruel dictatorship.

We avoid the downtown area on Friday, and stay away from the Seef Mall, a favorite of the Saudi crowd.  Otherwise, no problem.

Last spring, Lexi misjudged her whereabouts and was caught in a street demonstration not far from the American Embassy – which is less than a mile from our villa.  Of course she emerged unscathed, though the memory leaves her a bit shaken.  The worst case of violence was the New Year’s Eve commotion, directed against the Saudis.  All in all, the upper class wants to keep things here calm …. keep the money flowing into the country.

A few weeks ago our landlord advised us he was prepared to install additional grill work along the walls of our villa – a protective measure.  Six-to-eight feet walls surround virtually all villas.  Our villa also has grill work for all first floor windows.

Depending on point of view, these modifications seem either decorative or imprisoning.  Lastly, the landlord assured us he would also secure our back wall; a modest undeveloped plot of land separates our villa and the ocean.  I assumed the grill work would be uniform around the villa.  Instead, some Pakistani workers posted vertical bars on the wall and strung up four-lines of barbed wire.  Now when I look out the kitchen, I feel like we’re living in Camp Beirut.

Lexi has applied for a transfer out of Bahrain. So, who knows what’s in store for us?  Bahrain is not all bad: there are some attractive qualities to this experience – yet we’d prefer Central Europe.  Japan would not be bad, either.  Places like Cuba, Korea and Iceland are not even a consideration.

Ryan is relishing his experience as a MUN [Model United Nations] student.  This allowed him the opportunity to travel to Cairo in late October.  Recently, there was a three-day Bahrain MUN conference – BAHMUN, held among the island’s secondary schools, which are predominately private schools.  As the Canadian delegate, Ryan did quite well and was part of a full-page spread in both of the English daily newspapers

As a proud parent, I will send you a tear sheet.  I know Ryan’s teacher wants us to remain here; now that he’s groomed Ryan he wants to take him back to Cairo next year.  Yet, if we go to Europe, Ryan will have a chance to go to The Hague for the regional MUN conference.  If it’s Japan, then the regional conference is in Seoul.  Two years ago, the international conference was in Beijing.  Not a bad way to experience the high school years.

Meanwhile, the weather here is similar to South Florida – temperatures in the lower 80s.  The swimming pool looks more inviting each day.

Sheridan

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012


High School Confidential #4

Call me Meursault.  Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, I was not so afflicted with such overwhelming ennui. More than ever I feel like Camus’ The Stranger, and I’m still schlepping along waiting for life to make sense. So I fake my way through the days as a high school history teacher.

Despite months of preparation for this week’s culminating test, many AP Modern European History students can neither write in complete sentences nor recognize Robespierre as a decidedly French name after studying the Reign of Terror in Revolutionary France.  Why don’t I just send myself to the guillotine?

As a testament to sub-marginal writing efforts from students, there is this recent e-mail:

“umm mr. Sheridan … i see u put my journal in as a 0 and its not fair because it wasnt even my fault i couldnt come down ther…my stupid substitute said that she saw that i didnt go directly to the bathroom and that i couldnt use my seminar pass … if you wouldnt mind could you PLEASE!!!! let me turn it in on monday … cuz its his stupid fault … and i apologize for sounding like a little kid but this dropped my grade to an F. please respond ASAP thank you”

Please note that the gender of the substitute teacher changes over the short course of this annoyingly mangled syntax.

The e-mail moniker offered the only clue to the correspondent’s identity.  So, I responded:

“Whitney:


My AP Modern European History student, who sits directly in front of my desk – between Steve and Lauren, if you want me to take you seriously, would you mind 
composing a letter worthy of a teacher; one that features a standard salutation and closure, proper nouns, correct spelling, and proper punctuation
 (i.e. contractions and either a period, a question mark or an exclamation mark)?



I have lost count of all the grammar and spelling mistakes in your letter.

I am not your text message buddy.

Best regards,


Mr. Sheridan”

It’s because of this and at least a dozen other reasons that the periods when life is pleasing no longer outnumber the times when experiences seem pointless.

To make life feel a little worthwhile, I introduced my U.S. History students to The Autobiography of Malcolm X.  Unlike the semi-beatified Martin Luther King, Jr. Malcolm X did not plagiarize a doctoral thesis from a major American university, nor was he unfaithful to his wife, Betty.

Born as Malcolm Little in 1925, I asked students: “so, how old was Malcolm at the beginning of World War Two?”  Of course, this presupposes that students have knowledge of the event – which most do not.  These are American students, after all. As to the answer about his age, responses ranged from 25-to-30.  Without a calculator, these students can’t perform simple math.  The trouble is these students have calculators but are too fucking lazy to use them.

Why should I lose sleep over student mediocrity when some teachers are no different?

Math teacher Bill Thatcher sent this e-mail to the faculty yesterday:

“I have been a customer of one of the dentist a block from St. Mary’s.  There office has moved does anybody know of another that is close by that they could recommend?”

What a low-grade moron.  He’s the same teacher who recently told a student that he didn’t know how to write a college recommendation – and could he see my version for inspiration?

I’m convinced that Thatcher has been chasing too many parked cars.

A quick run-down of lazy, shiftless, at-risk slacker students for the guidance department:

Colleagues:

I have spoken to each student about their pathetic, lackluster academic performances in my class.  I have communicated with several parents, either by e-mail or in face-to-face discourse, about their brain-dead, under-achieving student.

It does not help that students often skip or simply miss a day, if not days, of school – and their parents call the office with phony and unimaginative excuses.  The lack of a serious attendance policy at St. Mary’s, followed by a pussy-whipped administration, only encourages this behavior.

Specifically:

David Boyer – I inherited David a few weeks into the third quarter, and he has distinguished himself with insupportable arrogance, a lack of credibility, and an unwillingness to do more than inhale and exhale – which seems to fatigue him greatly. It is not likely that David will pass the second semester of history.  It’s doubtful he will even graduate high school.  He’s worthless.

Hunter Jones – He has the ability to do more than merely slide by, yet this is his modus operandi. Hunter is weak, and has no character.  He is easily distracted and worries only when his father puts his boot on his throat. Hunter just barely passed the first semester of history, and is flirting with disaster once again. He needs to buy a toothbrush so he can start cleaning toilets for a living.

Jesse McNeil – School is a waste of time for Jesse.  He flunked U.S. History last year, did well enough for the first semester on his second go-around, but lately he has taken a walk … a long walk to nowhere.  To say that school is a waste of time for Jesse is no exaggeration.  He’s only plodding through the rooms and halls in the vain hope that maybe social promotion will result in a diploma.  He has missed my class countless times this semester, and his mother (or a friend) provides excuses to the office.  I have spoken with his father several times. He is very concerned.  Yet Jesse is horribly weak and easily led astray like a fresh lobotomy victim.

Raven Noriega – She showed up in my history class at the beginning of third quarter. This is her second time to take the second semester of this class.  If I could grade her on sleeping with boys, sleeping in class, blowjobs and truancy, she’d be on the honor roll.  Raven will flunk history again.  She doesn’t care.  She just wants to put her head down and her legs up in the air.

*     *     *

The other day a sophomore of some African heritage submitted a short write-up of another student in class; a modest exercise in journalism.  The female student’s feature story described her subject as “white and Caucasian.”

I started drinking Johnnie Walker once I reached home.  This helps make the year seem less boring.

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012


Two Sheridan Sisters Have an American Wake

Without access to land or dowries after the Great Famine, many of Mairtin O’Sirideáin’s six daughters were fated to become emigrants.  In 1884 two of the younger daughters, Brigid and Caitlín, left Ireland for America and immediately settled in St. Louis.  By this time, the two women had anglicized their names to Sheridan.  The specific reasons for their choice of the city on the Mississippi River remain unknown.  No doubt a large existing Irish population and opportunities for employment as servants held the most attraction.

By the time Brigid and Caitlin departed, emigration had been so persistent in late-19th century Irish history that in one form or another, the experience was part of daily life.  People talked about it, sang about it, and even celebrated it.  Perhaps the most interesting custom that developed out of the wave of emigration to America was the American Wake, a custom that was unique to Ireland.  Nothing comparable developed in England or Germany, two countries which also contributed heavily to American immigration in the latter half of the 19th century.

The practice of waking, (that is, watching) the dead (corp a fhaire) had its origins in Celtic antiquity.  Essentially, it meant watching by the corpse all through the night until burial time the next day.  This night-long vigil helped ward off evil spirits and prevented them from entering the body.  With the beginning of Christianity, the custom became less purely pagan and took on a degree of Christian religious ritual, such as the lighting of candles near the bed and the frequent sprinkling of holy water about the room.  However, many of the pagan elements remained, and as a result priests denounced the custom.  It was not the waking itself that the clergy so much objected to, as it was the general revelry that always accompanied the occasion.

The Irish are an extremely gregarious people, and more than at any other time they feel the need for companionship when death has visited them closely.  The demise of a family member impels the family to seek consolation from their neighbors who, quickly arrive to cheer up the spirits of the bereaved, and to distract their thoughts from their sad loss.  A peculiar mixture of sadness and gaiety described the Irish wake, and later, the American Wake.

Known as the Live Wake in County Wexford, the Farewell Supper in County Galway, and the Feast of Departure in County Mayo, the American Wake was a specific ceremony used to mark the exit from family and community life that for all practical purposes was irrevocable.  The choice of name was significant since Catholic countrymen equated going West with earthly dissolution.  Such attitudes were rooted deep in Irish folklore.

During the 19th century, many Irish peasants made very little difference between going to America and going to the grave.    Because of the high mortality rates, which affected Irish emigrants in large American cities, associating emigration and death was not illogical.  Under such conditions, the departure for America of two young daughters represented to Mairtin O’Sirideáin and Mairgread Ni Fhloinn no less a loss than if Brigid and Caitlin had both died.

By the last decades of the 19th century many young women had no reason to remain in the agricultural villages of Ireland.  They found that many non-inheriting sons lacked the resources to marry and their own chances for marriage were extremely limited unless they had dowries.  For Irish women, like the younger Sheridan sisters, they had to turn their backs on Ireland.

Normally an American Wake for sisters like Brigid and Caitlin Sheridan started at nightfall on the evening before they were due to leave.  The wake lasted through the night until the early hours of the morning.  It was the practice that the day before the wake, both Brigid and Caitlin would make the rounds of all friends and neighbors near Castlebar to let them know they were leaving for America and to wish them goodbye.

This visit was an informal invitation to attend the American Wake, and all who felt close to Brigid and Caitlin made a point to be at the O’Sirideáin’s house.  Involved was a point of respect, and failure to do so was reciprocated with a similar snub in the future.

In most areas of County Mayo, where poverty was acute, many households could not afford even to serve the usual tea, let alone food and whiskey.  Sometimes a few neighbors or relatives brought a small quantity of poteen, a clear beverage of high alcoholic content, brewed illicitly from potatoes.  The American Wake was usually an occasion for talking of America and of friends who had already gone there.  Older people offered their advice to Brigid and Caitlin, and often requested them to carry messages to friends or loved ones.

Most American Wakes were not completely somber; some were convivial in tone.  For days in advance the Sheridan women were busy baking, cleaning, and cooking in preparation for the event.  On the night of the wake there was frequently an almost festive air in the Sheridan house.  All furniture in the kitchen was cleared, usually the most spacious room in the house.  Seats were placed around the walls, and a musician with fiddle or melodeon entertained everyone.

When everybody had at last arrived, the older folk seated themselves around the open hearth, the young people took the floor, the music of fiddles, flutes, pipes or melodeons started, and the dancing began, usually jigs, reels, quadrilles, and the Irish step-dancing.  Between bouts of dancing and songs, there were liberal servings of tea and maybe stronger refreshments.

However, the veneer of merriment was likely a paper-thin cover for the strong undercurrent of sadness, especially for the parents.  At times an old woman of the village, noted for her ability to keen (from the Irish “caoine,” meaning to wail or lament), performed for the “dead” one.  This took the form of a long, sorrowful eulogy upon the virtues of Brigid and Caitlin and the suffering inflicted both upon the sisters and their parents.

Regardless of the emigrant’s ambitions or the real roles parents may have played in obliging departure, the effects of such laments, delivered in shrill, piercing wails, were irresistible and devastating.  Before long, “with tears rolling down worn cheeks” and feeble old men, tearing their gray hair, a chorus of wailing women and weeping men, including the emigrants, joined the old keener in her despair.  American Wakes of so stark a nature, described as “harrowing affairs,” were characterized by displays of “naked grief.”

When at last dawn broke, the emotionally draining American Wake ended, but the poignant rituals surrounding the final parting continued until the last terrible moment.  Father Callaghan appeared at the Sheridan house to sanction the event, sprinkling holy water on the heads of the two sisters, while invoking God’s blessing on their enterprise.

The most trying moment of all came when Brigid and Caitlin had to finally part with their parents and relations.  The last embraces were terrible to see; but worse were the clasping of hands during the long minutes that remained.  With the wringing of hands, there was the sad wailing, the pain and the passion, and later the shrill united cry when the horse cart moved on down the road.

Slaun lath, Mairtin said.
[And there I leave you.]

Bannacht lath, Shaun, Brigid replied.
[I’ll be seeing you soon again.]

Dia is Muire dhuit, Mairgread said.
[God and Mary be with you.]

Beidh me ag scriobh litreacha, Brigid answered.
[I will be writing a letter.]

When the two Sheridan sisters left the house of their parents, it was the custom that the younger Sheridan’s accompanied them to the railway station in Castlebar.  This was known as the “convoy” and was a feature common to all American Wakes.  The purpose behind the “convoy” was to make the emigrant’s last hours on Irish soil as cheerful as possible.  Yet at the railway station another scene of grief occurred between the Sheridan sisters, their family, and their parents, if Mairtin and Mairgread came along on the “convoy.”

Brigid and Caitlin may have spoken on that morning of the time in the future when they might return to Ireland.  Such talk made the parting easier, but it probably deceived no one.  For most of the Sheridan’s, this parting with the two young women would be the last.  Everyone knew this, for America was far away and the years were long and lonely.  All must have known, as Brigid and Caitlin left, that they were going forever.

A deafening wail resounded as the station-bell gave the signal of starting.  When at length the train slowly moved away from the station platform, parents like the older Sheridan’s cried as their daughters waved good-bye through the windows of the train as it steamed for Queenstown and the Promised Land beyond the bogs and mountains.  As the train continued away from Castlebar, many ran along the fields beside the line to catch yet another glimpse of the two Sheridan sisters they would see no more.  Yet that last wailing whistle of the train going out of sight was worse than the wail of a shrouded fairy woman and, after the Sheridan’s had heard it, those who were left behind went home like mourners from a new-made grave.