High School Confidential #6

Everyone knows that high school teachers are expected to be positive role models for students; this duty comes with the badge.  While most educators work hard to inspire students, some teachers suffer from arrested development. One of my college roommates chronically masturbated for four years in a row. Now he is a teacher.

Student: “Can I talk to you?”
Teacher: “Sure, sit down. What is it?”
Student: “Well … my girlfriend left me for the head cheerleader, I got fired from my job at 7-11 for stealing happy hours, and I’m going to fail AP English Literature because I’m a plagiarist.  I’m such a loser.”
Teacher: “Those are some tough breaks. Things that happen in life make you a stronger person, and I believe you are one of those more mature people. Always remember you can talk to me about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.”
Student: “You do care about me, don’t you?”

When prominent people hit a bad luck streak and fall from grace, it can be outrageously enjoyable because this is a reminder that we are all flawed. Marital shenanigans are nothing new; one week it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger called out for a love child with an ugly as fuck maid, the next week Anthony Weiner is exposed as a champion creep for e-mailing photos of his johnson to freaked out young women, while his wife announces her pregnancy.

These days one must be extremely careful about generating e-mails – especially on company time.  At a school like St. Mary’s all roads for e-mail traffic lead to the school Educational Technologist (ET).   Subsequently, it’s sensible to either avoid detrimental communiqués or stay on the good side of the ET for those moments when this faculty member is ready to make some embarrassing disclosures that may result in another fall from grace.  Kevin Walsh, the school ET, is an unhappy queen who fancies being a bitch and seventh-eighths.  One can never be too careful.

The other day I caught the old lemon in his proper mood and he revealed an interesting e-mail exchange between Pamela Stephenson and Evan Bradshaw.  Pamela is a woman more reliable than attractive; her demands on the married Evan are constant.  Both middle-aged English teachers worked together for two years at St. Mary’s, before Pamela moved to Hawaii.

During her brief time at the Catholic high school, Pamela remained hopeful that she could lure Evan into an oil slick of lust. This is largely because her husband looks like a plump, gay Bart Simpson. Yet her plans were foolhardy.  Pamela loves pleated khakis, pink wine, and Meg Ryan movies. By contrast, Evan lights up a fat Mexican blunt each day before he drives off the parking lot in his used BMW convertible and goes home to surf free porn on the Internet.  His tastes are not entirely vanilla; he overheats for black dwarfs smashing white cougars (“a little goes a long way”).

No matter how Pamela tried to offer Evan her whispering eye, he deflected the gift; not because of moral considerations, but because he worried that it smelled like cabbage.

From: Stephenson, Pamela
Sent: Thursday, January 20, 2011 11:11 AM
To: Bradshaw, Evan
Subject: RE:

E,

my baby!  miss you.  thanks for not giving up on me.

i’ve been putting in some hard-core hours.  the students are waiting, but i i didn’t want to leave without saying I WANT TO FUCK YOU!!!

love,
me

From: Stephenson, Pamela
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2011 10:00 AM
To: Bradshaw, Evan
Subject: RE:

E,

i was out by early yesterday afternoon .  my son has the flu.

it’s hard to believe that there’s a chance you might be living on my little island next year.  you don’t know how much that prospect excites me!!!

right now i’ve got the annual drama festival burning, so it’s hard to do much else.  immediately afterwards, my spring show preparations (alice in wonderland) will begin.  it’s not a full-blown musical, but there are a few songs in it.  it’s also a huge cast.

i have to travel from the annual drama festival directly to texas.  i’ll be away for 2 solid weeks!  crazy, huh?  that’s a lot of friggin lesson plans!!!!!!

i’m just taking things one day at a time.  hopefully i’ll survive.

please bear with me.  i assure you that things will be much easier once you’re in hawaii!!!  (we just had one teaher leave on medical retirement.  she’ll be replaced by a long-term sub until next year.  also, one of our other english teahers plans to retire. so chances are good…)  how does your wife feel about all of this?

i’d love to show you the inner recesses of the drama dept.  hope i get the chance!

p

From: Bradshaw, Evan
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2011 4:12 PM
To: Stephenson, Pamela
Subject: RE:

E,

Happy weekend!!

From: Stephenson, Pamela
Sent: Monday, April 18, 2011 1:16 AM
To: Bradshaw, Evan
Subject: Tear

dear e,

i know i deserve nothing, but after i poured my heart out to you yesterday, i was counting on the comapssionate side of your persona to comfort me and tell me that everything would be all right…  (can i call you daddy?)

i think we should talk via telephone.  give me your digits.  i want to call you.

xoxox

p

my number is 926-4405 (home)

please find it in your heart to embrace me.  i really need you now.

From: Bradshaw, Evan
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 3:07 PM
To: Stephenson, Pamela
Subject: RE: Tear

P,

OK, where the hell are you?  Let’s arrange a time to talk.  Hope you aren’t angry at me——you just seem to disappear at the strangest times.  Keep afloat!  You have only a few weeks before you can let it all go.  Talk to me..E

From: Stephenson, Pamela
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 10:01 AM
To: Bradshaw, Evan
Subject: RE: Tear

daddy e,

i’m here, and i would love to talk!!!  it will need to be late afternoon for you – early morning for me.  calling card is on me, baby!  what are your digits?

how about friday afternoon?  is there a direct line to your classroom?  send it on!  if that’s not good for you, let me know when, and i’ll do my best.

i’m floating, but just barely.  the end cannot come soon enough (the end of school, i mean).  okay…  that was morbid…  i need a stiff drink!  or something stiff!!

love you,

p

btw, i’m NEVER angry with you.  if you were my spouse, then maybe.  but since you’re my tease, then you’re in the clear!

© Dancing at My Wake 2011-2012

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